I heard a wonderful story this week, which I happen to know is true.
We know a family who has a daughter who … is writing her own story in life, to put it nicely. While, thankfully, she still keeps Shabbos, in many other areas in life, there has been descent, including getting involved with boys, which in the world they live in, is one of those big no-nos.
So, without going into all the details, the parents have worked very hard to make sure that they maintain a solid relationship with her, despite everything. And they have been successful in that.
Currently, she's been seeing somebody on a regular basis, and he even comes for Shabbos meals. From what I understand, he's a good guy, with his own "package" in life, obviously.
After years of davening for her daughter, and not seeing improvement, the mother decided to take a different approach: she started davening for her daughter's boyfriend. She even took upon herself certain things in his merit, that HE should grow in Torah and mitzvos.
Out of nowhere, several months ago, he told them, "Yeah, I decided not to go to the army. I'm going back to yeshiva." And so he did. He found a good yeshiva that was fit for him, and he encouraged their daughter to join a religious program for women, which she did.
So now, he's growing and their daughter is "trying to keep up with him."
There is a concept of davening for other people, and your prayers will also be answered, and here you see that concept being realized.
A person should never give up on things. You never know what "tricks" will work.
"These are the names of the sons of Israel…" (Shemos 1: 1).
When Yaakov and his sons went down to Egypt, the Torah lists everybody's names. And now, only a couple of week's later, the Torah once again goes through everybody's names. Yet, there are a few differences.
The Malbim notes that when going down to Egypt, the Torah writes, "These are the names of the sons of Israel who came to Egypt: Yaakov and his sons." Yet, this week, after the Jewish nation has already been established in Egypt, the Torah writes, "These are the names of the sons of Israel who came to Egypt with Yaakov; every man came with his household."
The Malbim explains the reason for the difference. When they came down, Yaakov came down with his sons and their children. However, it was Yaakov at the head, and each of his children and their families were dependent on him. However, after Yaakov's death, each of his children established "households" of their own. Each son became a tribe, a sub-nation, on their own. They were no longer simply "children of Yaakov," now they were "Reuven," "Shimon," "Levi," etc., each with their own distinction and path.
One thing I have learned over the years raising children, is the importance of seeing the ultimate objective. That each one should grow in their own path, building their own homes. To raise them to simply "copy and paste" you might make you feel like a success (assuming that you are a success), but does not allow them to grow in their own right.
Often parents look at their children as gauges of their own success. If my child is a success, that's because I'm a success. If they are a failure, that's because I'm a failure. Sometimes it possible to point to certain things parents did to contribute to their success or failure, but often, it's not the case. We often forget that Hashem gave each one of us our own children, in order to raise them with their own strengths and weaknesses. And like everything else in life, we have to do proper hishtadlus. And like everything in life, hishtadlus often has nothing to do with outcome.
My wife and I were speaking about one of our children. When they were much younger, we thought they had a learning issue. Not just some learning issue, but an issue that would affect how they operate in the world. We took them to all sorts of doctors and did all sorts of tests. And even the doctors were a bit baffled on what was causing certain symptoms. We did a lot of work for them.
And today? They are healthy, normal, very intelligent, very social. Completely normal.
And we cannot honestly point to one thing we did that would have caused such a reversal. Yes, we still had to do what we did, and it was a lot. But, in the end, the "third parent" stepped in and took care of things.
Our job as parents is to work with the material (our children) that Hashem has given us. Not to form replicas of ourselves, but to work with their strengths and weaknesses, and prepare them to eventually build up their own individual households. Just as we cannot change metal to water, or wood to gold, we cannot change the "material" that our children are made of. We have to work with what we have and build with it, not wondering why they are not made of other material. When we do our part, Hashem does His, and hopefully, each one will grow up according to their own personal mission in this world.
With that, I wish you all an amazing Shabbos!